There are so few people that really listen to you without any kind of judgment, however subtle. Everyone seems to have their own beliefs about what is right and what is wrong and the proper way to live life; they also seem to have very strong beliefs in things and argue for them passionately and have all sorts of explanations for things. No I don't necessarily agree with most things people say, but I appear to agree or to have no opinion because I don't say anything to the contrary. Most things are not worth arguing about, because it is very unlikely that you will be able to change someone's mind. I wish I was able to say what I believe, but I have not always formed words to express it. When I am with people, I find myself bending into their lives - not asking them to bend into mine, but wanting all the time, someone to bend too.
*Why can people not just experience you for who you really are?
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
A Chance
You have to keep starting over, at square one, because there is no such thing as getting better, unless you're always getting better, and not feeling worse, or worse than that, not caring that you aren't getting better.
There comes a point when you realize that there is no bottom anymore - that the pit is bottomless and you could just keep falling.
Then you have to learn how to be alone again - really alone, with yourself and then how to live. And then there is always something to remind you of who you don't want to be - there's always a part of you that is wondering if you'll be okay and if it really matters.
Because it's not feeling bad or being depressed or hating life or any of those things you and I and everyone has felt before...it's some of that but also: it feels like you are poisoning yourself, or slowly killing yourself; it feels like drowning but not in water; it feels like you're not even there; and the worse thing is: that isn't even what makes it feel bad, because you can't even feel bad; what makes it feel bad is that you know you could be doing something else and being normal and wonderful, but you aren't, and you don't know how to be like that again and it hurts because even though people care, they are always just out existing and being normal and what do you have to do with any of that? You're not even really alive.
You feel a little bit like you've been spilled over. You feel messy and uncareful. You can't contain anything except the one thing you have to.
There comes a point when you realize that there is no bottom anymore - that the pit is bottomless and you could just keep falling.
Then you have to learn how to be alone again - really alone, with yourself and then how to live. And then there is always something to remind you of who you don't want to be - there's always a part of you that is wondering if you'll be okay and if it really matters.
Because it's not feeling bad or being depressed or hating life or any of those things you and I and everyone has felt before...it's some of that but also: it feels like you are poisoning yourself, or slowly killing yourself; it feels like drowning but not in water; it feels like you're not even there; and the worse thing is: that isn't even what makes it feel bad, because you can't even feel bad; what makes it feel bad is that you know you could be doing something else and being normal and wonderful, but you aren't, and you don't know how to be like that again and it hurts because even though people care, they are always just out existing and being normal and what do you have to do with any of that? You're not even really alive.
You feel a little bit like you've been spilled over. You feel messy and uncareful. You can't contain anything except the one thing you have to.
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